they're taking me to parts of my mind, that no one could find.

Has it really been three years since the last time I posted something on this blog? Three miserable fucking years. You know...Yesterday I was sat here thinking about things and all of a sudden my mind went back to where it used to be. The thoughts came running so fast like they've just been waiting for the perfect moment. It's sad to think that it only takes one moment of weakness to fall back into old habits.

Nothing has changed.

“You will burn and you will burn out; you will be healed and come back again.”

I never thought I would come back to this blog again, it's almost been a year since the last post.

Recovered and relapsed once again.

I'm back.

STARVE MY PAIN AWAY, MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL, MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY, TURN MY PROBLEMS INTO BONE, CRUSH THEM UP, GATHER THE REMAINS, BLOW AWAY THE DUST.

I'm not going to eat anything tomorrow, the only thing that is allowed is water and green tea. Since i haven't learned to drink coffee without gagging like a bitch. My work schedule is set and I'm so motivated, I think. 

This time i am going to succeed, I don't want to look myself in the mirror and see loads of fat covering my bones, I'm a skinny person trapped in a fatsuit. Once and for all i'm going to get rid of every single pound of fat.  I am gonna become the skinny one. I just binged & purged actually, so feeling a wee bit weak and my heart hurts a lot. My stomach feels like a freaking balloon and i just want to cut myself so deep to get rid of the anxiety running around in my blood. 

im at war with the body i’ve been given, guns blarin’ but nobody’s winnin

Don't know what to do with myself anymore. Everything is going wrong.

If I'm louder, would you see me? Would you lay down in my arms and rescue me?

 I thrive on that numb, trembling, frail feeling I get after puking till it feels like my internal organs are going to emerge. It sounds sick, but that weakness after makes me feel clean and empty again, like I got all the poison out of me. 

I fucking need you right now okay?

"Look, when you love someone — it’s worth fighting for no matter what the odds."

sometimes i find it interesting listening to all the voices i hear. i like it how they sound like real people, then it can change and they sound a bit distorted, a bit like a robot, a whisper, a cry. sometimes i don’t mind spending time trying to figure out what they’re saying if there’s too many for me to understand. sometimes it can be calming and relaxing. sometimes it makes me smile because i find it so strange. now thinking about it, it is quite strange. how do all these voices that i’ve never heard before become regular visitors to me? it’s quite odd indeed. 

“I guess that’s where this story begins. And here’s where it ends."

I just binged and threw up. Thought my tummy was gonna explode after all that huge amount of food. And now I feel like shit. Fuck this. I dont wanna live like this anymore. fuck fuck fuck fuck this.

I'm so so sorry i let you down, can't be easy trynna help me when all I do is letting you down? I don't deserve you, I don't deserve having a friend like you. Not at all. Even though you promised me you won't leave me, I don't believe you. Im so sure that you'll give up on me like everyone else and forget about me. I never should've told you about my eating disorder, never ever. I'm so sorry. And I know you're probably not reading this but just wanted to say this.

I love you. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. Thank you for everything you've done for me, it means alot. Don't forget that.